[Jedi]Gryphon
06-08-2000, 17:07
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Question: What do women and police cars have in common?
Answer: They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love and it drives my man crazy"
When the mother returned home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
And he said to her, "Well, go iron it first."
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never
open.
The bride agrees.
After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar.
She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.
She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."
She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!"
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once"
"All right. Here's some good news," said the secretary.
"You're not sterile!"
An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his
wife and said "**** you!"
A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.
After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC.
The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."
"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and just floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.
The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "Watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air.
Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below--SPLAT!
The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman,
sometimes you can be a real asshole!"
Topic of discussion at a women's lib meeting is that everyone will go home and refuse to do 1 domestic task and forcing their husband to contribute. The results will be discussed at the next meeting.
At the next meeting the first women says; I went home and refused to cook, and the first day I didn't see anything, and the second day I didn't see anything, but on the 3rd day my husband broke down and made a wonderful dinner for the whole family.
The 2nd woman says; I went home and refused to do the wash, and on the first day I didn't see anything, and on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the 3rd day my husband broke down and not only did the wash but the ironing as well.
Then the third woman stands up and says; I went home and refused to do the shopping, and on the first day I didn't see anything, and on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the 3rd day I could finally see a little out of the left eye.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Question: What do women and police cars have in common?
Answer: They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love and it drives my man crazy"
When the mother returned home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
And he said to her, "Well, go iron it first."
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never
open.
The bride agrees.
After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar.
She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.
She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."
She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!"
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once"
"All right. Here's some good news," said the secretary.
"You're not sterile!"
An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his
wife and said "**** you!"
A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.
After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC.
The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."
"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and just floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.
The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "Watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air.
Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below--SPLAT!
The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman,
sometimes you can be a real asshole!"
Topic of discussion at a women's lib meeting is that everyone will go home and refuse to do 1 domestic task and forcing their husband to contribute. The results will be discussed at the next meeting.
At the next meeting the first women says; I went home and refused to cook, and the first day I didn't see anything, and the second day I didn't see anything, but on the 3rd day my husband broke down and made a wonderful dinner for the whole family.
The 2nd woman says; I went home and refused to do the wash, and on the first day I didn't see anything, and on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the 3rd day my husband broke down and not only did the wash but the ironing as well.
Then the third woman stands up and says; I went home and refused to do the shopping, and on the first day I didn't see anything, and on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the 3rd day I could finally see a little out of the left eye.