Jokes and stuff

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Well saying this forum doesn't have a mod :E

Facelift

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.


After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.

Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.


She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."


Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers.


Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Chip shop"

[[Ds]ReaveR]

The Third Wish

A traveling salesman broke down on the bad side of town one evening after a long day of door-to-door sales. After calling AAA from a payphone, he decided to wait in for the tow truck in a nearby bar.

He sat down on a bar stool in the corner of the bar to quietly nurse his beer. Trying to mind his own business, he was shocked to look across the bar to find a very large, muscular sailor doing shots. While the sailor's chest and arms were huge, the salesman was shocked to notice that his head was about as big as a grapefruit. Needless to say, he couldn't help but stare.

Soon the sailor stood up from his stool and swaggered over to the salesman, who was shaking in his loafers. When he reached him, the sailor said, "I see you staring at my head over here."

"N-no," the salesman responds, "I wasn't, really, I --"

"That's okay," the sailor said and sits down next to him. "I want to tell you my story. I was out at sea last year and there was a terrible storm. My ship was sunk, and everyone drowned but me. I struggled to stay afloat and managed to swim to the shore of a deserted island. I stayed there all alone for six months, eating coconuts and crabs. One morning I was woken up by screams coming from the lagoon. Running down there, I discovered a woman struggling in the thick seaweed. I ran down to the water, ripped the seaweed from her naked body, and pulled her up to the beach. She was a mermaid! I stood gawking at her for a while, and then she thanked me, offering to grant me three wishes. My first wish was to be back home before the end of the day. She said, 'Okay.' My second wish was to have a billion dollars so I would never have to go to sea again. She said, 'Okay.' Then I scratched my head and tried to think of something else. I said, 'Well, since I don't really need anything else, how about we have some sex?' She smiled and wagged her fish tail at me. 'Silly,' she said, 'look at me. I can't have sex with you.' I laughed and said, 'Oh okay, then how about a little head?'"

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Together at Last

Maria was a devoted, religious girl. She got married and had 17 children. Then her husband died. She remarried two weeks later, and had 22 children by her next husband. Then he died. A while later, she died.

At the funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest said, "I mean her legs."

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Swearing

A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nodded his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Junior's Room

One day mom was cleaning junior's room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Nice Ears

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new, drop-dead gorgeous neighbor came out of her apartment towards him. As she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn't wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning.

This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact. She said she heard someone coming and that they should go to her apartment.

They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. "What do you think my best feature is?"

Bob stuttered and drooled a bit, and finally said, "Your ears."

"What do you mean my ears? Look at me. I have perfect breasts, a nice tight ass, and legs to die for! What on earth made you say ears?"

"Well," said Bob, "in the hall, you said you heard someone coming? That was me!"

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Any excuse to spam :E

[Gunga_Din]

Well, might as well get into the stirit of things...

Little Johnny & The Priest

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles.


The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing?


Little Johnny replied, 'I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world.'


The Priest said, 'But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!'


Little Johnny said, 'Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson...'

[Gunga_Din]

Hijacking

A plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and stewardess.


He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, 'Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place!'


The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, 'Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us.'


The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the co-pilot's head and says, 'Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.'


But the co-pilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says,

'Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed like that. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us.'


The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the gun at the navigator's head and says, 'Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.'


But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, 'I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Cuba. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us.'


The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the gun at the stewardess's head and says, 'Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place.'


No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers something into the hijacker's ear.


The hijacker turns beet red, drops his gun, and runs out of the cockpit in a panic.


Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they found cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him up, the pilot asks the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.


'I told him, sir, that if he killed me, He'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blow jobs....'

[Gunga_Din]

Old Sex

An 80 year old man goes to a whore house and slaps down his money for a 'good woman.'


He's led to his purchase - the whore takes one look at him and thinks, 'This old fools lucky if he even gets it up... this ought to be a real snore.'


The old man takes his clothes off, then pulls out a rubber and rolls it on. Then he sticks cotton in each ear and up each nostril. The whore is perplexed and can't resist asking what the cotton is for.


The old man replies, 'Bitch, there are two things in this world I can't stand: the sound of screaming women and the smell of burning rubber!'

[Gunga_Din]

Ouch!

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.


The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.


The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.


The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.


The doctor thought for a moment and said, 'Yes, there's a real nasty bug going around.'

[Gunga_Din]

Possibly The Worst Joke I've Ever Heard!

The couple left the gynaecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently.


Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. 'I think I can help you,' he said, handing them a card. 'Why are you masked?' the husband asked.


'Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you.'


'This is the answer to our prayers!' the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. 'Who was that masked man?' she asked her husband.


He answered, 'That was the....... Clone Arranger.'

[Diablos]

Ha ha ha haaa

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Tough Mice

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse drank a shot and said, "I play with mousetraps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he drank another shot.

The second mouse drank a shot and said, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he drank another shot.

The third mouse drank a shot, got up and walked away. The first two mice looked at each other, turned to the third mouse and asked, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stopped and replied, "I'm going home to **** the cat."

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Laundry Service

A woman decided to send her clothing out to a laundry service. When it came back, her panties were still stained. The next week, she enclosed a note to the laundry owner: "Use more soap on panties." This went on for several weeks. Every week the woman sent the same note to the laundry.

Finally, the laundry owner responded: "Use more paper on ass."

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Bicycle Violation

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Medical Terminology

Two Texans were having the blue-plate special at their favorite watering hole when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady a few bar stools down turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asked.

She shook her head no again.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

[Diablos]

They are very funny. Giz more.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

The Bear and the Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were crapping in the woods. The bear turned to the rabbit and asked, "Do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replied, "No, I don't."

So, the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Do it or leave

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you'll like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

[Diablos]

Heh heh heh.

1003!

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Heh heh heh

394

Doh'

Over 100 post's in under two working days :E

[Gunga_Din]

Three men lost in a forest...

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.' The king then explained the trial to him.

'You have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.'

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and eaten.

The second man arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?' The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with an armful of pineapples.'

[Gunga_Din]

The Gravy Ladle

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help but notice how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.


Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there were more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.'


About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, 'Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?' The priest said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure.'


So he sat down and wrote: 'Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.'


Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: 'Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.'

[Gunga_Din]

The bloke, the genie and Hawaii

A guy's walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up.

A genie pops out and says, 'Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness, I will grant you one wish.'

The guy says, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii.'

The genie says, 'I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved... think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that is just too much to ask.'

The guy says, 'Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted. I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with... you know, what makes them tick?'

The genie thinks a second, and says, 'Would that road be two lanes or four?'

[Gunga_Din]

The Three Ducks

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.


The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.


The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. 'What's your name?' He says to the first duck.


'Huey' said the first duck.


'How's your day been, Huey?'


'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day'.


'Oh. That's nice.', says the Bartender.


Then he says to the second duck 'Hi. And what's your name?'.


'Dewey' came the answer.


'So how's your day been, Dewey?'.


'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again'.


So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says 'So, you must be Louie'.


'No', growls the third duck, 'My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my f*****g day'.

[Gunga_Din]

Kinky Sex

A guy is sitting at the bar drinking to drown his sorrows.

A beautiful woman sits down next to him, orders a double, and sighs deeply. He turns to her and asks her, 'So what's wrong in your life?'

She hardly glances at him and says, 'My husband left me today.'

He says, 'What a coincidence. My wife left me today.'

They keep drinking for a few minutes and then he asks her, 'So why did he leave you?'

She looks at him and says, 'He said he couldn't stand living with me anymore.'

He says, 'What a coincidence! My wife said she couldn't stand living with me anymore, too.'

They drink some more and then he asks her, 'So what couldn't he stand about living with you?'

She smiles at him a little and says, 'Well, I like really kinky sex and he didn't, so he left.'

The guy shakes his head in disbelief and says, 'This is incredible! I like really kinky sex and that's why my wife left.'

They drink some more, exchanging sidelong glances, and he finally says, 'Well, seeing as we're both alone now, and seeing as we both have similar interests...'

'Yes,' she quickly says, 'my apartment is right around the corner.'

So they head over to her apartment. Once inside she says, 'I'm going to slip into something a little more comfortable. I'll be right back.'

She goes into her bedroom and gets undressed, then puts on a studded leather collar, black lace split-crotch panties, a leather bustier, fishnet stockings and spike heels, the whole set-up.

She comes out of the bedroom to find the guy heading out the door.

'Why are you leaving?' she asks him, 'You just got here. I thought we were going to have some kinky sex.'

He looks at her and shrugs, 'Hey, I f***ed your dog and crapped in your purse. I'm done.'

[Diablos]

Ha ha 'tis funny.

BTW I started today with 940 posts. 'Tis over 70 in one day!

I am here lots.

[Gunga_Din]

Jungle Adventure

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.

The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this 'King of the Jungle' and slipped him the old sausage.


So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the

'King of the Jungle' in the rear end.


The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it.


Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle.

'RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!' he says. 'Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?'


The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. 'Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?' he stutters.


The lion sits up with a start and says, 'Jesus! It's in the paper already?'

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Diablos m8 do you work or just spam the forums all day?

[Diablos]

I go to College & I have lots of free time.

Man walks into a bar, he says "ouch".

Horse walks into a bar, barman says "why the long face?"

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes

[[Ds]ReaveR]

Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

[[Ds]ReaveR]

A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to take her own life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor saw her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look you have a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he puts his arm around her and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes and thought what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love all night.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement "with one of the sailors, he's taking me to Europe. "Europe madam," said the captain "This is the Staten Island Ferry, "