Hazlo
07-02-2001, 18:37
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with
which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50
by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your
bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs
in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes
and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to
hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following
changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend
to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to
deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you
must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence
under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you
will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised
contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice.
By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be
guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there; Extension of living room to be communicated at
the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still
sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the
time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be
communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am
not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message
a password to access my computer is required. Password
will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to
options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This
month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody
Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard
at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That
the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we
come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive
for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which
you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you
send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at
$5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the
matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will
be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even
Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be
well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the
point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client
============================================================
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with
which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50
by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your
bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs
in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes
and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to
hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following
changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend
to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to
deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you
must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence
under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you
will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised
contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice.
By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be
guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there; Extension of living room to be communicated at
the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still
sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the
time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be
communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am
not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message
a password to access my computer is required. Password
will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to
options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This
month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody
Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard
at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That
the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we
come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive
for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which
you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you
send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at
$5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the
matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will
be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even
Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be
well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the
point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client
============================================================