Foxy
04-03-2003, 14:51
Subject: Gulf War Emergency
Dear Sir (or Madam),
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the
Defence Act; ( 1978 ), you are hereby notified that you are
required to place yourself for possible compulsory military service
in the American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where
you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal
Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy
driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves. Due to the recent
rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of
their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were
returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you
to make your own way to the combat zone.
H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on
one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take
advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip).
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it
will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following
equipment as soon as possible:
Combat Jacket
Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim)
Tin helmet
Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
Gas mask
Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800
Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
Rifle
Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a
tank, (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all
new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration
Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks
last).
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of
anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the
graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled
to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month,
index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable
should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your
departureand so we advise that you hire videos
of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
The Guns of Naveronne
Zulu
Kelly's Heroes
A Bridge too Far
The Longest Day
Apocalypse Now
The Matrix
Blazing Saddles
The Desert Song
Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
We strongly recommend that you do not watch Santa
Claus the Movie (only because its 'crap')
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading
the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should
give you some of what may be involved (minus the mud).
Yours faithfully,
H Goon, Ministry of Defence.
A Bush-Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III
Dear Sir (or Madam),
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the
Defence Act; ( 1978 ), you are hereby notified that you are
required to place yourself for possible compulsory military service
in the American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where
you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal
Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy
driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves. Due to the recent
rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of
their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were
returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you
to make your own way to the combat zone.
H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on
one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take
advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip).
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it
will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following
equipment as soon as possible:
Combat Jacket
Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim)
Tin helmet
Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
Gas mask
Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800
Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
Rifle
Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a
tank, (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all
new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration
Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks
last).
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of
anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the
graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled
to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month,
index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable
should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your
departureand so we advise that you hire videos
of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
The Guns of Naveronne
Zulu
Kelly's Heroes
A Bridge too Far
The Longest Day
Apocalypse Now
The Matrix
Blazing Saddles
The Desert Song
Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
We strongly recommend that you do not watch Santa
Claus the Movie (only because its 'crap')
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading
the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should
give you some of what may be involved (minus the mud).
Yours faithfully,
H Goon, Ministry of Defence.
A Bush-Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III