EZtigER
14-05-2003, 14:59
Major Emergency at Canvey Island by The Overseer (Member 112124) on 29-Apr-03
NEWS FLASH
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the richter scale hits Essex
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday 29th April 2003. Epicentre: Canvey Island,Essex.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fockin mentoe", "innit" and "cont". The earthquake decimated the area causing almost £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Essex News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said " It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into the bedroom of our rented mobile home crying. My fiancé, 40 year old Darren, was unable to sign on that day, he was so shocked. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.
Re: Major Emergency at Canvey Island by Trader (Member 110235) on 30-Apr-03
you mean it missed the dole office, hell i'll have to go sign now! your full of bad news
KINGCHIN Corps. OFFERS CHEAP JEWELLERY AND CAR PARTS by Kingchin News Corps (Member 27234) on 30-Apr-03
The news of the disaster arrived at our offices in Kingchin-upon-Thames this morning and we were sickened (that someone from Thurrock actually had the nerve to wear an adidas tracksuit and baseball cap outside our offices). Immediately we sent one of our people to report on the incident. A local woman was quoted as saying "the sound of cheap gold jewellery rattling was unbearable throughout the quake" and a 3 year old boy said "buy us some fags mate". We will be contacting INDEX: the catalogue shop so that 4 tonnes of 9carrot chunky chains and huge loop earings can be sent to Canvey immediately. We have also contacted Vauxhall and Ford, who have arranged for 1980s Nova, Sierra and Escort parts to be shipped from the local slagheap.
Although it is now estimated the cost to rebuild Canvey has rocketed to almost £37, there has been a positive outcome of tthe tragedy. Canveys population of 490,000,000 silver-fish have all but been wiped out.
Re: Major Emergency at Canvey Island by Trader (Member 110235) on 1-May-03
I am shocked nay devastated that you lot can make fun of this epic disaster. do you not realise just how badly the food chain will be affected by the loss of all the silverfish, not to mention the hard work it caused to the two itinerate council workmen who had to count them and carefully place them into bodybags, in order to prevent them being stolen and sold to any local resturant for the purpose of making sushi on the cheap, in order to do the local chinky out of business. and i may ask what is being done by the goverment in way of a relief fund to lessen the homelessness of the rest of the wildlife, i.e. the cockroaches and rats need to live somewhere.
Investigator To Liberate Barely Literate Canvey Residents by Kingchin News Corps (Member 27234) on 1-May-03
This horrific event has really touched the lives of many of our staff and many of us already have a bond with Canvey (2 canvey estate residents stole our reporter Larry Fizz's James Bond collection from his Corringahm flat) so we are sending our Private Investigator Steve Stilton to Canvey to get to the bottom of this abhorrance. The local £-Stretcher and Aldi stores have seen their profits fall since Canveys dole office was levelled - we cannot, we will not stand by and watch the barely literate masses suffer!
Re: Major Emergency at Canvey Island by The Overseer (Member 112124) on 6-May-03
I feel compelled to write and thank all of you for your kind offers of help for the afflicted at Canvey. The letter of help came flooding in yesterday morning and, as a gesture, i have pinned it to the wall of the public bogs by the seafront, so that all the locals can see how caring you all are. Thankyou. as for the locals, Tracy Sharon-smith and her loving boyfriend Darren all came through the disaster unscathed. Darrens dole cheque was late by a day, which caused him great discomfort as he was forced to stay in rather than join his mates in the car park doing burnouts on dole day, but made up for it by going out on a bender the day after, starting a fight with a pensioner on the seafront then getting very heavily beaten by Canvey police patrols who were bored with nothing to do. All is now (thankfully) back to normal, and you can rest assured that if anything else happens in essex in my imagination, i'll be sure you are all the first to know. Cheers.
NEWS FLASH
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the richter scale hits Essex
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday 29th April 2003. Epicentre: Canvey Island,Essex.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fockin mentoe", "innit" and "cont". The earthquake decimated the area causing almost £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Essex News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said " It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into the bedroom of our rented mobile home crying. My fiancé, 40 year old Darren, was unable to sign on that day, he was so shocked. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.
Re: Major Emergency at Canvey Island by Trader (Member 110235) on 30-Apr-03
you mean it missed the dole office, hell i'll have to go sign now! your full of bad news
KINGCHIN Corps. OFFERS CHEAP JEWELLERY AND CAR PARTS by Kingchin News Corps (Member 27234) on 30-Apr-03
The news of the disaster arrived at our offices in Kingchin-upon-Thames this morning and we were sickened (that someone from Thurrock actually had the nerve to wear an adidas tracksuit and baseball cap outside our offices). Immediately we sent one of our people to report on the incident. A local woman was quoted as saying "the sound of cheap gold jewellery rattling was unbearable throughout the quake" and a 3 year old boy said "buy us some fags mate". We will be contacting INDEX: the catalogue shop so that 4 tonnes of 9carrot chunky chains and huge loop earings can be sent to Canvey immediately. We have also contacted Vauxhall and Ford, who have arranged for 1980s Nova, Sierra and Escort parts to be shipped from the local slagheap.
Although it is now estimated the cost to rebuild Canvey has rocketed to almost £37, there has been a positive outcome of tthe tragedy. Canveys population of 490,000,000 silver-fish have all but been wiped out.
Re: Major Emergency at Canvey Island by Trader (Member 110235) on 1-May-03
I am shocked nay devastated that you lot can make fun of this epic disaster. do you not realise just how badly the food chain will be affected by the loss of all the silverfish, not to mention the hard work it caused to the two itinerate council workmen who had to count them and carefully place them into bodybags, in order to prevent them being stolen and sold to any local resturant for the purpose of making sushi on the cheap, in order to do the local chinky out of business. and i may ask what is being done by the goverment in way of a relief fund to lessen the homelessness of the rest of the wildlife, i.e. the cockroaches and rats need to live somewhere.
Investigator To Liberate Barely Literate Canvey Residents by Kingchin News Corps (Member 27234) on 1-May-03
This horrific event has really touched the lives of many of our staff and many of us already have a bond with Canvey (2 canvey estate residents stole our reporter Larry Fizz's James Bond collection from his Corringahm flat) so we are sending our Private Investigator Steve Stilton to Canvey to get to the bottom of this abhorrance. The local £-Stretcher and Aldi stores have seen their profits fall since Canveys dole office was levelled - we cannot, we will not stand by and watch the barely literate masses suffer!
Re: Major Emergency at Canvey Island by The Overseer (Member 112124) on 6-May-03
I feel compelled to write and thank all of you for your kind offers of help for the afflicted at Canvey. The letter of help came flooding in yesterday morning and, as a gesture, i have pinned it to the wall of the public bogs by the seafront, so that all the locals can see how caring you all are. Thankyou. as for the locals, Tracy Sharon-smith and her loving boyfriend Darren all came through the disaster unscathed. Darrens dole cheque was late by a day, which caused him great discomfort as he was forced to stay in rather than join his mates in the car park doing burnouts on dole day, but made up for it by going out on a bender the day after, starting a fight with a pensioner on the seafront then getting very heavily beaten by Canvey police patrols who were bored with nothing to do. All is now (thankfully) back to normal, and you can rest assured that if anything else happens in essex in my imagination, i'll be sure you are all the first to know. Cheers.