It's kind of a short story, kind of.
What do you think?
I am going to write this incredibly quick while I still have a vague clue about what is going in my stupid, fluffed up head.
(Quick aside-I'm absolutely petrified and can't believe I'm letting myself do this).
I felt so much better after we had had our argument on Saturday. Weird as it may sound, when we argue it's the only time that feels like you care.
And that's what I want, that's what I need, I know it is, nothing is more important to me than making sure you are happy and it feels like you are fluffing me over at every opportunity you get.
I do stuff for you. All the stuff I do, it's for you.
I swear that the main reason I want to get another job is because of you.
I love you more than anything else in the world, but it's gone all weird now that you don't love me back.
And, man, do I mean weird.
Like, all I've wanted you to do for the past month is say your coming home to see me - but as soon as you did it didn't matter a poo to me any more. All I wanted you to do is to sound like you wanted to come back and see me - whether that was because you wanted to help me get better or just because you missed me, it didn't matter. I wouldn't have even mattered if you did or not - just hearing it would have been so nice. What I didn't want to hear was about you coming back because you felt you'd better.
I can't deal with this, I really can't, I know you hate hearing about it and it pisses you off (rather than, you know, upsetting you or anything) so you don't really know how bad it is down here.
I want to die.
I really, really do.
I am so sad and lonely that I can't even think about how to describe it.
All I am right now is a burden to my parents and a failure. I know you don't want to come and see me, I know you have a much better time up in Lancaster than you ever had down here - and I can't compare to that. And considering all that I want to be is your boyfriend you can imagine how much that hurts.
So here's the deal.
I'm not depressed about not having a job (although, I confess, it doesn't help).
I'm not depressed about not sleeping, it really doesn't effect me as much as you say and it gives me valuable time to think everything through.
So that only leaves one thing, doesn't it?
It was the worst moment of my life when you and I split up, and the following months were the hardest things I have ever been through.
But in some ways, this is worse.
At least when you left me I knew. I didn't rely on you because I couldn't.
Then we got back together, and, for a few blissful weeks, I was happy again.
I didn't have to feel secure with you, I was secure with my job and my friends and I could hold on to them while you and I slowly worked things out.
And within a week, all of that changed.
Suddenly you were the only thing in my life.
And you didn't care.
My life is falling apart because of the way this relationship is going.
If you tell me you love me or just say the simplest thing like "Sleeping doesn't feel right unless I'm doing it next to you" it cheers me up for hours, and trust me, that's a very, very long time.
But lately all you do is get angry at me for loving you.
There's also a real possibility that you will leave me because I let you know how much I love you, and you'll never know how hard it is for me to understand that me telling you how much I love you actually makes you feel sad.
I am coming apart at the seams on my own down here and all you've done about it is be angry with me and upset when you considered yourself a bad girlfriend.
Try bad fluffing person !
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"Erm, we're having a picnic, and then nothing, I don't think."
WHERE THE fluff ARE YOU?
I NEED YOU SO MUCH, AND YOU DON'T GIVE A fluff!!!!!
Excuse me - man in terrible, terrible pain!
Desperately lonely person who loves you more that any amount ever considered by man!
"So can you come and see me?" (We're going back a few weeks, here).
"Yeah, but I'm going to bring the person you are most jealous of in the whole world, that guy that I spend all my time with, with me, because I'm not coming all the way back to Bedford just to see you."
What the fluff am I to you?
Exactly what do you see me as?
You're not using me, because I don't make you happy at the moment.
You don't care about me, because I'm self-destructing and you don't give a damn.
You have done nothing to suggest to me or anyone else that you care.
I just want you to want to see me.
I just want to hear that you miss me, that you want to see me, that you care .
No-one is going out with Emma tomorrow night, even though it's her birthday weekend. None of her friends can make it - in fact, not of them really seem to want to spend any time with her.
She got one card this year.
I tried so, so hard to be there with her tomorrow night, just for an hour or two, but I simply can't do it. And I feel so guilty that I, as her friend, am not cheering her up (especially after she took me to out to a night-club because I was so sad that you didn't come home that weekend you were going to go to Newcastle). Because I know, that if one person, just one, and it doesn't really matter who, made an effort to go out for a drink with her, it would cheer her up hugely.
And the reason I know that is because that is how I feel.
But I can't blame my friends, because none of them really know what's going on.
There was a time when I felt safe with you, so I told you about it.
And you, the person who I love, the person who I would do anything for just to make her happy, the beautiful, beautiful woman who means more to me than everything else that could exist, what did you do?
You got angry at me.
You shouted and swore at me because I wouldn't tell you what was wrong because I was scared that you'd feel pressured by me.
How do you think you'd turn out? Or, more importantly;
WHAT THE fluff ELSE DID YOU THINK I WAS DEPRESSED ABOUT?
It's you, mate.
And the stupid thing is that I still know I have to be with you, because, no matter how bad things got, life would still be better with you than without you.
Because I love you.
So, so much.
But thank you for the opportunity to shout at you, even though can't hear me. It's let me clear some things up, and I feel a little better.
Why couldn't you come and see me tomorrow? Even for a few hours - I don't think you'll know how much that would have meant. I honestly believe that if you convinced me you did care then I'd be alright.
And because I believe that, it's all that needs to happen. Everything that is going on is going on in my head.
Why didn't you come and see me that weekend you were going to Newcastle? Even after I told you how I felt, all you did was get upset because you felt like you weren't a good girlfriend. You asked me once if you should still come down. Once.
But if you didn't want to then there would be no point - it would only upset me more.
At the time I was still trying to believe that you did care and I was sure you'd come anyway; how could anyone not?
How could someone, after being told that another person's life was falling apart and all they needed was a hug, possibly stay away?
You never came.
You went to the beach.
Just one day, that's all I wanted. Surely, surely that isn't too much to ask?
Just one day.
You'll never know how much that would have meant had you have made that trip.
And you'll never know how much it hurt that you didn't.
And you'll never know that the biggest hurt of all is that I can't tell you any of this, because I am too scared that you wouldn't care, and you'd just use it as an excuse to leave me.
I am forever yours.
I swear to you, I love you more than life, and possibly, one day, I'll prove that.
No-one will ever love you as much as I do.
No-one will ever cry because of you as much as I have.
I guess it's a good thing if you don't read this, because you'll very quickly realise that it wouldn't matter what you did, I'd still love you, I'd still stay by your side, and I'd be damn proud to be there.
Even the bad times with you were better than the best times of the rest of my life.
Even now, I thank God that I can be with you.
I don't understand why, but it's true. I love you desperately and still think you are the most wonderful person that exists.
I need you to be happy.
So I'm never going to send this.
So you are never going to read this.
So no-one is ever going to read this.
So you are never going to know.
[Edited by [COF-HS]Grim... on 26-05-2001 at 04:06 PM]