IC Post of the Month (ARCHIVE)

[SpymasterGend]

A very nice bit of writing, and insight into a character that for a variety of reasons doesn't offer it easily in-game. Dialogue in particular rings true and natural, little swan. Except maybe the very last line, which is a little out of context--uttered to Karbi/Eorhanna on return from shaving, seemingly--but perhaps a little canned, a little too formal for that moment when it was uttered. Great stuff though.

[SpymasterGend]

Bad! Garin is not bad...he just...err...lacks altruistic inclinations. Or maybe he is. Bad, that is. And the contractions...I know...but since it is third person with a first person voice, there is a reason for them that is not immediately apparent. I hope. Err...more on that later. Maybe. Someplace, sometime. Perhaps. Ummm...contractions above replaced with italicized text to maximize retention of nits.

Glad you liked it.
*one knee bent in plain obeisance to the Queen['s English], offers an healing ointment unto he of the raven visage, along with a sticking plaster for the bitten beak, before dashing off perfectly drenched in shame to the bookseller to peruse the writings of one Terry Pratchett*

[DM_Roäc]

Too true! I was really not sure how to end it, so after about 15 different possibilities, I went with the simplest. Probably shouldn't have...

[SpymasterGend]

Working backwards. Hope that's not confusing, as poll has closed. Mmm. Anyway, again great stuff. And great Vesp. Err..Aewen. Just two nits.

“Nana, can’t I look at the town? The last Captain was boring.”

Assuming that's common, it's a little bit of a jump from the prior "I bored". Just a little...maybe remove both "the"?

Aewen was blind to all of her own pain, blind to the screams and clashes from away down by the shore, blind to the dozen swarthy figures jogging up the hillside, bearing bows. She was blind to everything except the two gently-lidded eyes before her that refused to open, set in a pale face like a white marble carving given life, and then left without it.

This one I'm not sure about, really. Because it's beautiful and effective. But the narrative voice is Aewen's, describing her need to shake, to get the life back into her mother. Setting aside the "blind to screams" (vs. deaf), it's also just a bit of a shock...since by the logic of witnessing the unwitnessed it takes that voice outside Aewen. Not sure how it can be done better, just a reaction.

Cheers!

[SpymasterGend]

I'm working back, so I missed comments on prior posts, but I can guess as to what they were. And probably echo them. The imagery and the descriptions are powerful. Really, really good. The only hindrance to feeling that power is having to work around the grammar sometimes, perhaps a word choice here or there. But that's truly amazing stuff for a non-native speaker/writer of the complex, oddly evolved language that is English.

So good, in fact, that I'd repeat that offer to proof if you want it. And that's saying something.

Cheers.

[DM_Roäc]

Hello! I really appreciate these posts, by the way. They are precisely what this forum is for.

Assuming that's common, it's a little bit of a jump from the prior "I bored". Just a little...maybe remove both "the"?

I see what you are saying, but the thing with Aewen is not that she can't speak proper Westron so much as she doesn't want to (if you've ever seen a small child forced to apologise for something, see how hard they seem to find the simple word 'sorry' ). When she is asking her mother if she can look at the town, she is trying to gain something by the question, so she is making the effort to ask it correctly.

This one I'm not sure about, really. Because it's beautiful and effective. But the narrative voice is Aewen's, describing her need to shake, to get the life back into her mother. Setting aside the "blind to screams" (vs. deaf), it's also just a bit of a shock...since by the logic of witnessing the unwitnessed it takes that voice outside Aewen. Not sure how it can be done better, just a reaction.

This is actually my intent! Though I probably didn't thinkit thorugh in so academic a way as you have analysed it whilst I was writing. The passage where Aewen is the focaliser finishes with "She had to scream and scream and shake her, harder and harder until she woke up, and everything would be all right. Nana always came when she was upset, always…."

After that, the narrative view comes outside her, though is still empathetic towards her; you can see what she is feeling, but you can also see what is coming up behind her and that she will not see it coming. Were it a film, at this point the sound would become muffled, the camera would move back, show people running past her heedlessly, and then show her tugging at her mother as the corsairs move up behind her, their swagger suggesting 'easy pickings'.

As for 'blind to the screams', not technically correct, I know, and maybe a little ill-advised, but I did not want to break the pattern of emphasis by repetition. The short sentences and repetition of 'blind' are meant to give a sense of stunned panic and intense focus, where she is willing her mother to be alive so strongly that nothing else matters, even though the smartest thing she could possibly have done would be to leg it back to the horse and get the hell out of there, there is no chance that this kind of thought could penetrate the deepest-seated fear of any young child which is to be left alone with no one to look after her.

Also, I felt this sort of structure was necessary for the motion of that last little paragraph, so that it all flowed together, making the corsairs seem more like an irresistible force, no more human than a river, pulling her away, hence "If only she could keep shaking her… but she could not reach.", keeping all the focus on Nimwen, and making everything else peripheral and unimportant. Though her mother is plainly dead, I wanted to try to express that feeling you get when something really shocking has just happened of "It can't be real. I can undo it if I try hard enough.", which would leave a little self-deluding doubt in her mind that maybe if the corsairs had not pulled her away, she could have brought her back to life.

I agree, though, a slightly problematic use of 'blind'. Thanks for your comments! As you might have noticed I do love a bit of literary discussion.

[DM_Roäc]

Last day to vote on this everyone! Come on, you idle *cough* ... erm ... votes and comments please!

[DM_Roäc]

Last day to register your opinion. Votes before 11pm please!

[DM_Roäc]

Vote ends tomorrow. Votes and especially comments welcome, thanks.

[DM_Roäc]

Poll closed. I'd say feel free to keep posting comments, but how likely is that?

[DM_Roäc]

Poll closed as a tie. On these occasions, I will call it, and so Gend will recieve the higher reward.

[DM_Roäc]

I know few of these were actually posted this month, but all the same, let's group them together as 'backlog'.

Choose a post for a special reward, and if you like, say why.

P.S.: No voting for yourself!

P.P.S.: *groan* Every time the poll says # , it means 'number eight'. Stupid smileys

[DM_Roäc]

My vote's for Gend, for excellent characterisation and believable background stories, as well as good atmosphere building.

[SpymasterGend]

Bah! Even if I could vote for my own silly musings, I'd still vote for the little swan. Umm...as I did. The #8 smiley that made me think of Elcamring in terminator-style sunglasses almost swayed me, though.

[Wonder_Horse]

Really enjoyed reading all the posts!

Particularly where the in game quests have so creatively been woven in to develop characters and give insights: Love it!

However, my vote goes to Aewen post 12 and 13; for a number of reasons,

Well written; Clearly thought out tale; Insightful to the primary character; Atmospheric; Enjoyable characterisation of secondary characters and excellent “visualisation” of their environment.

[DM_Roäc]

Last chance to vote on this. Poll closes early tomorrow!

[Nagash]

you should be able to disable smilies in the poll by a checkbox if you click to edit the poll... just thought i'd say

[SpymasterGend]

*Is entirely uncertain whether to run in fear from Nagash's avatar, applaud the little swan, rue the loss of Elcamring's sunglasses, or avoid the raven's peck of death*